Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Feeling lonely

So I am feeling lonely. It always seems like I am the one who always has to start conversations, or the one who has to start up the online chatting, or sending the first text message. Why can't people contact me out of the blue, or be the ones to send be message or text? I don't need super in depth philosophical debates, I just want conversations. I have this weird feeling that I have done this to myself, this isolating myself from people. I didn't mean to, but it seems to have happened anyways.

I am super good at making conversations with random strangers and making small talk, hell I am a pro at it. But I miss the people who know me. Have I become so detached from my past that I am now a stranger to people who use to know absolutely everything about me? Am I a super bad friend? Am I the one who drifted away from everyone else?

These days it seems that I have these wonderful friendships but, in fast forward and condensed. They start off wonderfully and turn amazing then fizzle out in no time at all. I have this feeling that I have become impatient with the world, I need to keep moving or it is going to implode.

I miss being content with the quiet and solitude. I use to be able to quietly read a book all day long on a weekend and not feel like I have missed out on something. I could lose myself in sorting and rewinding all of the thread spools in my sewing basket because they have become unraveled and tangled or reorganizing and sorting my book collection and not feel like I have waisted a day. I feel like I need to be out and doing things with people, but then I want to be alone and stay in my apartment because I know that I am broken and I don't want to impose my brokenness on others.  
It is days like this that I contemplate moving to a new apartment building just so I can get pet. A small furry creature that will love me unconditionally and provide companionship that I can't seem to find in people.

I am told by people that I am a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine, why can't I believe it? I know I make people smile, I can see that (I am blind but not that blind) and I love making people smile! It helps with making me content. I really want people to be happy, and my stupid brain likes to tarnish these feelings with doubt and uncertainty. YAY! for stupid brains :)

And now that I have written all of this down and am going to publish it on the Internet for all to see, I know I am going to get a few worried e-mails, calls and texts from the concerned friends who actually read this blog. What I want people to know is I am not THAT sad, and writing out what is going through my head helps oh so much. I want people to call/write/text me because they miss me or they have randomly thought of me, or have found something funny on the Internet and want to share it. Not because they think I am having a crisis (well I wouldn't mind if they contacted me if they thought if I was having a crisis it is always nice to know that people are thinking of you), but because they just want to talk.

So Smile! The world is not about to implode and I should really get back to work :)

Thursday, 6 December 2012


I am Grumpy! I am sooooooo not impressed with the way things are going generally. It seems like Winnipeg has been covered in clouds for the last 2 months and I miss the Sun! I can totally deal with -30 if I get to see the Sun! There has been a day or two where the sun has been shinning, but not enough to offset the perpetual grey that has apparently become the normal around here.

Also December is Not my favourite month. I am excited to go home and see family and friends, and I love all the twinkle lights that accompany this holiday season (seriously who doesn't like twinkle lights?), but Christmas is mostly dead to me. I am forced to buy things, or feel guilty if I don't. I like making things or buying things for people just because I can, not because it is expected of me because of the time of the year. Ask anyone who knows me, I give presents randomly just because i can and for no particular reason except that I consider you a friend :)

I am feeling very Charlie Brown and do most years. I blame working in retail, but really I am generally put off by people who are out to get the best deal and have to run to this sale or that sale because their spoiled child needs another toy that they are going to forget about in a month. Sadly I am also jaded against some charities, and how it is mandatory for me to donate to them or I am a bad person. I donate to charities all year long and I try to do more around the holidays but I get very unhappy when people ask for money and then try to guilt trip me into donating more. I don't put too much stock in money and give it freely when I can, just don't tell me I am a bad person because I didn't donate to a particular charity.

Generally I am good with people and strangers and don't let it get to me, but something about December makes people a 100 times more crazy and intense than they are the rest of the year. People need to learn to chill!

Sadly we are just at the beginning of this month of blaa, and I am going to try and restrain the grumpy but only time will tell. I haven't lost all faith in humanity yet and I am going to chalk this up to me just having a grumpy day!