Feeling lonely

So I am feeling lonely. It always seems like I am the one who always has to start conversations, or the one who has to start up the online chatting, or sending the first text message. Why can't people contact me out of the blue, or be the ones to send be message or text? I don't need super in depth philosophical debates, I just want conversations. I have this weird feeling that I have done this to myself, this isolating myself from people. I didn't mean to, but it seems to have happened anyways.

I am super good at making conversations with random strangers and making small talk, hell I am a pro at it. But I miss the people who know me. Have I become so detached from my past that I am now a stranger to people who use to know absolutely everything about me? Am I a super bad friend? Am I the one who drifted away from everyone else?

These days it seems that I have these wonderful friendships but, in fast forward and condensed. They start off wonderfully and turn amazing then fizzle out in no time at all. I have this feeling that I have become impatient with the world, I need to keep moving or it is going to implode.

I miss being content with the quiet and solitude. I use to be able to quietly read a book all day long on a weekend and not feel like I have missed out on something. I could lose myself in sorting and rewinding all of the thread spools in my sewing basket because they have become unraveled and tangled or reorganizing and sorting my book collection and not feel like I have waisted a day. I feel like I need to be out and doing things with people, but then I want to be alone and stay in my apartment because I know that I am broken and I don't want to impose my brokenness on others.  
It is days like this that I contemplate moving to a new apartment building just so I can get pet. A small furry creature that will love me unconditionally and provide companionship that I can't seem to find in people.

I am told by people that I am a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine, why can't I believe it? I know I make people smile, I can see that (I am blind but not that blind) and I love making people smile! It helps with making me content. I really want people to be happy, and my stupid brain likes to tarnish these feelings with doubt and uncertainty. YAY! for stupid brains :)

And now that I have written all of this down and am going to publish it on the Internet for all to see, I know I am going to get a few worried e-mails, calls and texts from the concerned friends who actually read this blog. What I want people to know is I am not THAT sad, and writing out what is going through my head helps oh so much. I want people to call/write/text me because they miss me or they have randomly thought of me, or have found something funny on the Internet and want to share it. Not because they think I am having a crisis (well I wouldn't mind if they contacted me if they thought if I was having a crisis it is always nice to know that people are thinking of you), but because they just want to talk.

So Smile! The world is not about to implode and I should really get back to work :)

Grumpy

I am Grumpy! I am sooooooo not impressed with the way things are going generally. It seems like Winnipeg has been covered in clouds for the last 2 months and I miss the Sun! I can totally deal with -30 if I get to see the Sun! There has been a day or two where the sun has been shinning, but not enough to offset the perpetual grey that has apparently become the normal around here.

Also December is Not my favourite month. I am excited to go home and see family and friends, and I love all the twinkle lights that accompany this holiday season (seriously who doesn't like twinkle lights?), but Christmas is mostly dead to me. I am forced to buy things, or feel guilty if I don't. I like making things or buying things for people just because I can, not because it is expected of me because of the time of the year. Ask anyone who knows me, I give presents randomly just because i can and for no particular reason except that I consider you a friend :)

I am feeling very Charlie Brown and do most years. I blame working in retail, but really I am generally put off by people who are out to get the best deal and have to run to this sale or that sale because their spoiled child needs another toy that they are going to forget about in a month. Sadly I am also jaded against some charities, and how it is mandatory for me to donate to them or I am a bad person. I donate to charities all year long and I try to do more around the holidays but I get very unhappy when people ask for money and then try to guilt trip me into donating more. I don't put too much stock in money and give it freely when I can, just don't tell me I am a bad person because I didn't donate to a particular charity.

Generally I am good with people and strangers and don't let it get to me, but something about December makes people a 100 times more crazy and intense than they are the rest of the year. People need to learn to chill!

Sadly we are just at the beginning of this month of blaa, and I am going to try and restrain the grumpy but only time will tell. I haven't lost all faith in humanity yet and I am going to chalk this up to me just having a grumpy day! 

The Subconscious

Is there a way to tell your subconscious that you really want to stop dreaming about something? Really! I have made decisions in my life and as far as I knew I was happy with them. But then the dreams start and they continue to pop up when I lease expect it and they bring back all the uncertainty and what ifs and could it have gone differently? Seriously there is nothing I can do to change things so why does my brain decide to rehash things while I sleep. Oh and the best part is, they are super vivid dreams that I can remember every detail including colours and smells. I wake up saying "wow, but that never happened".

I thought your dreams were suppose to help you, or tell you what is happening in the back of your mind. But rehashing events from months or years ago don't make sense. And making up what could have happened is even more unhelpful. Also does it need to make all the possible outcomes happy ones?

I am happy, well mostly. I am falling in love with Winnipeg (crazy I know but seriously this city is AMAZING), I am content with the job I have. Hell I know a large group of people who would kill to have my job, and would love it if I left it. That is not going to happen anytime soon. The lovely student loans that need to be paid off and the fact that I like being in control of my life and not having to scramble for rent each month is what is keeping me happily employed. That and my job is awesome! Who else gets to physically handle 300 year old books and documents, let alone fix or rebind them?

There are things I am not content with, I will admit that. I am tired of traveling alone for one thing, (I want a partner in crime who I can travel with and do the everyday things with), and I am far away from the people who would make me soup if I was sick (was recently sick and had to make my own soup, it was sad). But for the most part I am a happy person.

So in short, I do believe my Imagination has run away with itself and gone on some sort of bender without me. How inconsiderate of my imagination!

The Hiatus Is Over!

So the FB and Twitter hiatus is over, and there was a hour or two looking over what I missed. There were like 30 notifications and 1 friend request, the one friend request being the only thing that was note worthy in the notifications. What I did miss were updates from family members and fun posts from friends and I learned that a friend just got engaged!
The thing is, I don't feel the need to be on FB all the time any more. I am still going to randomly post the strange and wacky and random things I get into. Don't get me wrong I missed posting with Instagram the most. There were many times this past week where I took photos with my phone and wanted to post the pictures and they will eventually be posted, but I kind of feel like I was on a vacation or something where there was no Internet connection.
One happy thing is that  rediscovered this place where I can randomly spew what is in my brain and only a few people if anyone actually reads it :)
 The question is am I going to be able to maintain a balance between my life connected and my everyday life here in the Peg.

Fingers Crossed :)

Where everyone knows your name...

So apparently I have a place where everyone knows my name and sadly it is not the Toad (my local pub). It is the Starbucks near work. I walk in and every single employee chimes in with "Hi Mary! How's it going?". The funny part is, is that they still don't remember all of the other people from work who have been going there longer than I have. Apparently I am a memorable person, who knew? It shocked me I can tell you!

OK so onto a pet peeve I have. People need to respond to e-mails I send them! Sorry I have some anger about this. Really I don't mind if you don't reply right away or even in the the next day or two. I get it people are busy! But really I don't sent out spam or crazy chain letters or those, if you don't send this to 20 people in the next minute your world will end type e-mails. Why can't people respond? I do all the work in initiating conversations and the least people can do is reply. Seriously Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

OK time for a beer at my local and hopefully sometime soon everyone there will also know my name :)

Here I go again!

Hummm.... I kind of forgot that this existed. But since I am on a one week hiatus from facebook and twitter, I started to explore all the links in my bookmarks folder. Lo and behold, my highly neglected blog. I am sure no one actually looks at this anymore if they ever did, but as the title says Here I go Again...

So winnipeg, a city that is the butt of many jokes but is finding a small place in my heart. So many hidden gems and character hidden just under the surface....but more on that at a later date.

Current distraction is pottery. Taking a pottery class and it is way too much fun! Apparently I am some sort of super star (or at least I like to tell myself that) as I managed to actually throw a few good pieces the very first time I used a potter's wheel ( which i am told is very difficult) and today I created a tea pot (which the teacher said I nailed it). The only thing I am not so happy with is the glazing process, that is something that is sort of a challenge for me, but eventually I will get that as well :)

One of these days I am going to pick a craft/medium and stick with it, but until then I am just going to continue to be my crazy chaotic self :)