Monday, 21 January 2013

If only I could bottle sunlight...

Light is one of those fascinating things, or at least I have found it to be fascinating  I can stare out a window for hours or sit on a balcony and watch the way the sun plays on different structures and items.  The way it lights up a room or can illuminate a single leaf on a plant. I have always been fascinated with the way it make things look and the contrast between the light and the dark and making the mundane come alive.

Today I was struck by the way it filtered through the windows at work, you could almost see the individual rays as they streaked across the wooden desks and shelves. The individual particles of dust that floated lazily through the beams of light. I just wanted to take it all in, but sadly work called me away. I was actually caught just standing in the back hallway the other day, just standing in the sun and soaking up the light.  It is funny how some people just get it that light is so very important, while others look at you like you have sprouted an extra arm or a third eye. Happily this particular person understood that sometimes you just have to take a moment and let the light wash over you. Living as far north as I do, I have found that I need the light more and more and I miss it when all is dark and cold. It makes those moments when the sun is shining that much more special and imprinted in my head, even if it is -30 outside!

Light has always been a mystery to me, no I know where it comes from and all the science behind it. The frustrating part is trying to recreate or capture a stunning moment where light makes things alive. When it is filtering thought the leaves on a summer day or the way it glints off new fallen snow causing it to sparkle like a million diamonds. The way it makes colours seem more real and almost tangible as if they have a texture. The way the colours pop with contrast of shadows and moments of brilliance.

I struggle with this when I paint. It makes me very frustrated that I cannot recreate these moments that I can so vividly remember in my head. There is always something missing! That essence that makes it pop, that makes it come alive. People keep telling me that I paint well, but I am never satisfied with any of what I do. The light never turns out the way I see it in my head, and the colours always seem flat and  boring. This may be me being super critical about what painting is for me and the fact that I don't think what I do is worth anything except to me as a way to try and recreate what is in my head.
If only I could be able to get the pictures from inside my head to the canvas in a way that that can show people the way I see things. The way that a single ray of light can turn a clump of weeds into a thing of beauty full of life and colours and light.

If only I could bottle sunlight and carry it with me wherever I go. I would be the happiest person alive and things would never again appear dull and boring and lifeless. Even at my saddest moments in life, there was always a moment when the sun would come out from behind a cloud and the world would be  illuminated just for a moment, a single moment where it would shine and blaze and be a moment with enough magic to make that memory forever be imprinted in my mind. But sadly those moments are few and far between and the clouds always pass in front of the sun again.

Those tiny moments that I have gathered and cherished, I would love to be able to share them. If only people could see what I see, maybe they would understand me a little better. But, sadly I have so far been unable to even recreate a pale comparison and trying to put it into words is difficult and it feels cumbersome and long winded.

And so to make another long story short: Light is AMAZING and it makes me happy and I wish people could see what I see :)

Friday, 11 January 2013


Home.... it is a very interesting word and can mean multiple things and I am trying to figure out what it means for me....

Recently I was "home" in Waterloo for the holidays. But Waterloo doesn't feel like "home" anymore. It is feeling like a strange city that I have sooooo many memories of, but has somehow morphed into this new thing that is foreign and unfamiliar. There are still some places in town that haven't changed and I enjoy visiting those places when I am in town, but even those places are losing something for me.

I use to get excited about flying home to see family and friends and I still do, but returning to the home of my childhood is becoming a trial and I am getting stronger and stronger feelings of disconnect with it. I love both family and friends and in some cases never get enough time with them before I have to fly back to where ever I am living this time. You know who you are and I know you read this blog and I miss you bunches!!!!! But trying to stay in Waterloo longer than a week starts to give me feelings of being trapped and wanting to escape. That to me is not what home should feel like and I feel bad about the fact that I feel this way about Waterloo and my parent's house, as it was home to me for a long period of time. I have lived in some interesting places and returning home was always something I looked forward to despite the fact that my family drives me nutters. It was home...

My parents home no longer feels like home. Maybe it is because I have finally moved all of my stuff out and there is nothing of mine there for when I visit. I use to be able to pack a small bag and hop on a bus or plane and get home and have everything I needed at my destination. Now I have to bring half my apartment with me when I go home, like i am going on holidays. Home should not feel like you have to bring and pack things you might need just in case or that you can make do or go out and buy it if you have forgotten something. I should feel like when I visit that I belong there, it is "home" after all. But I never feel like I do anymore.

My apartment feels like home, some of my friends feel like home, but Waterloo does not.
Home is suppose to be where you feel comfortable and yourself, not like a stranger or like you are taking up space you shouldn't be. Home is where I go to just be me and not have to be "on" all the time. Where you can look like a dirt ball and not have a care in the world, or say nope not doing the dishes tonight and not feel guilty about it.

So to make a very long story short, I am happy to be "home" in Winnipeg for however long that may be...

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Another World

So I am just over half way through my time here in Ontario and it feels like I have been here for months, while my real life in winnipeg feels like some sort of dream. This happens every time I travel. Where ever I am is real and my life back in the places I have been and will be, seem surreal and distant and some what unreal. It is like I have hit the pause button on life in the Peg while I am running amok where ever I am at the time. The same will happen when I am back in the Peg. I will feel like the Ontario trip is the dream and the Peg is reality. This doesn't make me sad or anything. It just feels, I guess odd is the word I am going to use.
Where ever I am at the moment, I tend to forget or neglect to remember the unhappy events that cause me stress about the places I have left behind for the most part. And when I am back home in Winnipeg, my memory will rose tint my time spent in Ontario. I am not saying that I am unhappy where ever I am, far from it, I have had some very good moments during this visit, but there has also been some very stressful moments where I want to pull my hair out!
Maybe that is why I like to run away and travel and why I am restless a lot of the time.
Hummmmmm something to ponder...