Thursday, 3 October 2013

What is the difference...

What is the difference between being smart and being educated?
I googled the definitions of both:
ed·u·cat·ed  (
1. Having an education, especially one above the average.
a. Showing evidence of schooling, training, or experience.
b. Having or exhibiting cultivation; cultured: an educated manner.
3. Based on a certain amount of experience or factual knowledge: an educated guess.
smart  (smärt)
adj. smart·ersmart·est
a. Characterized by sharp quick thought; bright. See Synonyms at intelligent.
b. Amusingly clever; witty: a smart quip; a lively, smart conversation.
c. Impertinent; insolent: That's enough of your smart talk.
2. Energetic or quick in movement: a smart pace.
3. Canny and shrewd in dealings with others: a smart negotiator.
4. Fashionable; elegant: a smart suit; a smart restaurant; the smart set. See Synonyms at fashionable.
a. Capable of making adjustments that resemble human decisions, especially in response to changing circumstances: smart missiles.
b. Manufactured to regulate the amount of light transmitted in response to varying light conditions or to an electronic sensor or control unit: smart windows.
6. New England & Southern U.S. Accomplished; talented: He's a right smart ball player.
Regional Note: Smart is a word that has diverged considerably from its original meaning of "stinging, sharp," as ina smart blow. The standard meaning of "clever, intelligent," probably picks up on the original semantic element of vigor or quick movement. Smart has taken on other senses as a regionalism. In New England and in the Southsmart can mean "accomplished, talented." The phrase right smart can even be used as a noun meaning "a considerable number or amount": "We have read right smart of that book" (Catherine C. Hopley).

I have on numerous occasions been told that I wasn’t “smart”, but that I was “educated”. I am not sure if the people who said this were trying to give me a complement or not, but in every situation where this happened, I felt like they were telling me that I was stupid and a simple minded person who somehow managed to go to school and was somehow able get a degree. That I can be trained to retain information, but am unable to be intelligent or to be as the definition says, quick of thought or witty.

I know I should not let this get to me, but it hurts when it is someone who should be supporting me and celebrate my achievements, but instead is telling me I am a dimwitted simpleton who can regurgitate facts. 

I beg to differ, and while also trying not to sound like a pompous ass, I would like to argue that I am indeed smart and witty and clever and able to make educated decisions on a moment’s notice. I am able to adapt to almost any situation people throw at me. Yes I have worked very hard on my education, and my career to get me where I am today. I have learned from my mistakes, and I get alone with almost everyone I meet. 

I really want to know what their definition of “smart” is, and how I don’t resemble it.  Was it supposed to be constructive criticism? Were they trying to tell me that I need to be more quick-witted?
This really infuriates me, and caused me to have doubts about myself and to start second guessing everything. 
What do I have to DO to prove to you I can be both Educated and Smart? But really why do I have to prove anything?????? Why are you judging me? Who made you the authority on who is smart and who is not?
I know I should be yelling these questions at the people behind this rant, but I am SMART enough to realize that I would be causing them pain and suffering and I am just not that kind of person. So I will rage at the world through the internet, and try to be content with the knowledge that they are incorrect in their evaluation of my intellect. Oh and fact that I Awesome! My mom told me so ..... J

Tuesday, 12 March 2013


What is Friendship?
Really I have been struggling over the meaning of what it is to be someone's friend.

Definition of FRIENDSHIP from the Merriam - Webster dictionary
1: the state of being friends
2: the quality or state of being friendly : friendliness

Definition of FRIEND

1: one attached to another by affection or esteem
2: a favored companion

These definitions all make it out to seem that friends and friendship are good things. So why do people throw away friendships?
Friendships like any relationship needs to be balanced and when that balance is missing can you really call what you have as a friendship?
I get that people are shy and maybe not so good are starting conversations, but if you really do care for your friends and want them to continue to be your friend then you need to put a little effort into the friendship.

Lately I have been feeling that a lot of my so called friendships are all becoming one sided. I put an exponentially large amount of effort in to maintaining them despite the distance barriers, and what do I get back?
Silence and indifference.
I am Tired!
I can only give so much of myself before there is nothing of me left for me. It is not that I want to give up on anyone or any friendship, but really is it too much to ask that people who I believe are friends, show some effort that they still want me in their lives?
People tell me they love it that I randomly contact them, well what is wrong with people reciprocating and randomly contacting me. Why it is always me who has to start the conversation or contact people?

Contrary to popular belief, I too can be shy and unsure, but I had to learn to just let go and not care if I made a fool of myself and get conversations started. I force myself to keep in contact with people, because people make me happy for the most part. I like talking to people and having conversations and sharing stupid jokes and laughing. It is way more fun to laugh with people than laughing alone.
If left to my own devices I would stay at home alone all of the time. I don't mind meeting new people, actually I enjoy it, but it is a lot of effort and work and it feels like I am starting from scratch every time. There are times when I just want to talk to people who actually know me and my past and I don't have to be on my guard and sensor who and what I am because they already know how to deal with my kind of crazy and in theory I won't scare them off. Like in the case of meeting new people, you have to ease them into the awesomeness that is me :)
There is only so much of me to go around and if I am expending all of my energy on people who do not value my time and effort or for that matter value ME, I have to ask myself, is this really a friendship?
Am I asking too much of people? Should I go back to being a hermit/recluse? Should I just give up on people? Am I being selfish and asking too much of people?

So many questions, and not enough answers....

Edit: This little rant is not directed at everyone, and sadly the people it is most directed at probably won't see it ever, as it would appear they either do not know of the existantce of this blog or don't care enough to bother to even read it. Either way it was not my intention to offend.

Friday, 8 February 2013

I Feel Too Much/Perception

Perception, they way we see things, the way we understand things, the way we interpret the way the world and all beings in it work and interact. One person’s way of thinking about things can be very different and or opposite to the way another thinks about things. Most people know this and understand that there are many ways of looking at things and understanding things. The thing is emotions and feelings (the terrible creatures that they are), can cause so much joy and sadness in my life and it all about how you look at and perceive things.

I have this (wonderful?) talent where I am able to look at multiple sides of a situation and am able to understand those different points of view. I may not agree with most of them but I can totally understand where they are coming from and possibly why they think the way they do. I can perceive what a lot of people don’t, which isn’t to say that I see and perceive everything. I too have my moments where I am completely oblivious to everything around me. But when I put my mind to it, I can logically think through most situations from very different perspectives. It is just the way I am and I have had to deal with the consequences of this ability. I have had many people get very angry with me, because I ask the hard questions, I question everything and play the devil’s advocate and present the alternatives as options. I want to know as many of the facts of things before I decide to take a side, this tends to makes me seem undeceive. Which let’s face it, we all have those moments where we totally don’t want to make a decision. This is not to say that I never make spur of the moment or rash decisions. Far from it! I make life altering decision at the drop of a hat:

Want to drop out of school and move to Belgium for a year to be a nanny? Sure!

Go and live in a tent for a month in a camp ground in May? Done!

Move to Alberta with less than 2 weeks’ notice? I am there!

Quit all 3 jobs at one time with no prospects of another job any time soon? Yes Please!

Teach someone to steer a canoe in about 10 minutes then let them run a set of rapids with them steering and me sitting in the front without a care in the world? Done and Done!

Hop in a car with no destination in mind and end up half way across the country? Always!

There are many other decisions that I have made without a second thought or any thought at all for that matter. There are many more decisions that just happen, and maybe one day they will make it into one of my stories, but not today...

I do not regret any of those spur of the moment decisions and can safely say that I am happy to have made almost all of them with some very rare exceptions, but from which I have learned a lot about who and what I am.

But that leads me back to the fact that I have this perception of the way I look at the world and I find that I feel too much and I care more than I should. I have this habit of taking on what others around me are feeling. This then leads me to make those rash and epic decisions or it causes me to think about all the possible outcomes and I am then perceived as cold and distant and uncaring. Which is completely opposite of what is actually going on inside me.

There are days where I wonder who I would be or where I would be if I was able to switch off that part of me that feels too much. Would I be more content with life? Would I be less restless? But then I know I am the way I am and there is nothing that is going to change that and that it really does not matter that I feel and care too much. This is who I am and people need to start getting it!

I am getting tired of people always questioning my motives and telling me that I cannot be a real person if I feel and care as much as I do. They tell me that no one can be that tuned into people, or be able to see most sides of the situation. Thanks! I love being told I am not human or that I cannot exist.

Umm I am human and I do exist, well the last time I checked I was and did. And so onwards and upwards! Another adventure is waiting for me to make another rash decision or another situation is about to be created where it requires me to see all sides of the story.... Yes I am a big ball of contradictions... welcome to my life!

Monday, 21 January 2013

If only I could bottle sunlight...

Light is one of those fascinating things, or at least I have found it to be fascinating  I can stare out a window for hours or sit on a balcony and watch the way the sun plays on different structures and items.  The way it lights up a room or can illuminate a single leaf on a plant. I have always been fascinated with the way it make things look and the contrast between the light and the dark and making the mundane come alive.

Today I was struck by the way it filtered through the windows at work, you could almost see the individual rays as they streaked across the wooden desks and shelves. The individual particles of dust that floated lazily through the beams of light. I just wanted to take it all in, but sadly work called me away. I was actually caught just standing in the back hallway the other day, just standing in the sun and soaking up the light.  It is funny how some people just get it that light is so very important, while others look at you like you have sprouted an extra arm or a third eye. Happily this particular person understood that sometimes you just have to take a moment and let the light wash over you. Living as far north as I do, I have found that I need the light more and more and I miss it when all is dark and cold. It makes those moments when the sun is shining that much more special and imprinted in my head, even if it is -30 outside!

Light has always been a mystery to me, no I know where it comes from and all the science behind it. The frustrating part is trying to recreate or capture a stunning moment where light makes things alive. When it is filtering thought the leaves on a summer day or the way it glints off new fallen snow causing it to sparkle like a million diamonds. The way it makes colours seem more real and almost tangible as if they have a texture. The way the colours pop with contrast of shadows and moments of brilliance.

I struggle with this when I paint. It makes me very frustrated that I cannot recreate these moments that I can so vividly remember in my head. There is always something missing! That essence that makes it pop, that makes it come alive. People keep telling me that I paint well, but I am never satisfied with any of what I do. The light never turns out the way I see it in my head, and the colours always seem flat and  boring. This may be me being super critical about what painting is for me and the fact that I don't think what I do is worth anything except to me as a way to try and recreate what is in my head.
If only I could be able to get the pictures from inside my head to the canvas in a way that that can show people the way I see things. The way that a single ray of light can turn a clump of weeds into a thing of beauty full of life and colours and light.

If only I could bottle sunlight and carry it with me wherever I go. I would be the happiest person alive and things would never again appear dull and boring and lifeless. Even at my saddest moments in life, there was always a moment when the sun would come out from behind a cloud and the world would be  illuminated just for a moment, a single moment where it would shine and blaze and be a moment with enough magic to make that memory forever be imprinted in my mind. But sadly those moments are few and far between and the clouds always pass in front of the sun again.

Those tiny moments that I have gathered and cherished, I would love to be able to share them. If only people could see what I see, maybe they would understand me a little better. But, sadly I have so far been unable to even recreate a pale comparison and trying to put it into words is difficult and it feels cumbersome and long winded.

And so to make another long story short: Light is AMAZING and it makes me happy and I wish people could see what I see :)

Friday, 11 January 2013


Home.... it is a very interesting word and can mean multiple things and I am trying to figure out what it means for me....

Recently I was "home" in Waterloo for the holidays. But Waterloo doesn't feel like "home" anymore. It is feeling like a strange city that I have sooooo many memories of, but has somehow morphed into this new thing that is foreign and unfamiliar. There are still some places in town that haven't changed and I enjoy visiting those places when I am in town, but even those places are losing something for me.

I use to get excited about flying home to see family and friends and I still do, but returning to the home of my childhood is becoming a trial and I am getting stronger and stronger feelings of disconnect with it. I love both family and friends and in some cases never get enough time with them before I have to fly back to where ever I am living this time. You know who you are and I know you read this blog and I miss you bunches!!!!! But trying to stay in Waterloo longer than a week starts to give me feelings of being trapped and wanting to escape. That to me is not what home should feel like and I feel bad about the fact that I feel this way about Waterloo and my parent's house, as it was home to me for a long period of time. I have lived in some interesting places and returning home was always something I looked forward to despite the fact that my family drives me nutters. It was home...

My parents home no longer feels like home. Maybe it is because I have finally moved all of my stuff out and there is nothing of mine there for when I visit. I use to be able to pack a small bag and hop on a bus or plane and get home and have everything I needed at my destination. Now I have to bring half my apartment with me when I go home, like i am going on holidays. Home should not feel like you have to bring and pack things you might need just in case or that you can make do or go out and buy it if you have forgotten something. I should feel like when I visit that I belong there, it is "home" after all. But I never feel like I do anymore.

My apartment feels like home, some of my friends feel like home, but Waterloo does not.
Home is suppose to be where you feel comfortable and yourself, not like a stranger or like you are taking up space you shouldn't be. Home is where I go to just be me and not have to be "on" all the time. Where you can look like a dirt ball and not have a care in the world, or say nope not doing the dishes tonight and not feel guilty about it.

So to make a very long story short, I am happy to be "home" in Winnipeg for however long that may be...

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Another World

So I am just over half way through my time here in Ontario and it feels like I have been here for months, while my real life in winnipeg feels like some sort of dream. This happens every time I travel. Where ever I am is real and my life back in the places I have been and will be, seem surreal and distant and some what unreal. It is like I have hit the pause button on life in the Peg while I am running amok where ever I am at the time. The same will happen when I am back in the Peg. I will feel like the Ontario trip is the dream and the Peg is reality. This doesn't make me sad or anything. It just feels, I guess odd is the word I am going to use.
Where ever I am at the moment, I tend to forget or neglect to remember the unhappy events that cause me stress about the places I have left behind for the most part. And when I am back home in Winnipeg, my memory will rose tint my time spent in Ontario. I am not saying that I am unhappy where ever I am, far from it, I have had some very good moments during this visit, but there has also been some very stressful moments where I want to pull my hair out!
Maybe that is why I like to run away and travel and why I am restless a lot of the time.
Hummmmmm something to ponder...

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Feeling lonely

So I am feeling lonely. It always seems like I am the one who always has to start conversations, or the one who has to start up the online chatting, or sending the first text message. Why can't people contact me out of the blue, or be the ones to send be message or text? I don't need super in depth philosophical debates, I just want conversations. I have this weird feeling that I have done this to myself, this isolating myself from people. I didn't mean to, but it seems to have happened anyways.

I am super good at making conversations with random strangers and making small talk, hell I am a pro at it. But I miss the people who know me. Have I become so detached from my past that I am now a stranger to people who use to know absolutely everything about me? Am I a super bad friend? Am I the one who drifted away from everyone else?

These days it seems that I have these wonderful friendships but, in fast forward and condensed. They start off wonderfully and turn amazing then fizzle out in no time at all. I have this feeling that I have become impatient with the world, I need to keep moving or it is going to implode.

I miss being content with the quiet and solitude. I use to be able to quietly read a book all day long on a weekend and not feel like I have missed out on something. I could lose myself in sorting and rewinding all of the thread spools in my sewing basket because they have become unraveled and tangled or reorganizing and sorting my book collection and not feel like I have waisted a day. I feel like I need to be out and doing things with people, but then I want to be alone and stay in my apartment because I know that I am broken and I don't want to impose my brokenness on others.  
It is days like this that I contemplate moving to a new apartment building just so I can get pet. A small furry creature that will love me unconditionally and provide companionship that I can't seem to find in people.

I am told by people that I am a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine, why can't I believe it? I know I make people smile, I can see that (I am blind but not that blind) and I love making people smile! It helps with making me content. I really want people to be happy, and my stupid brain likes to tarnish these feelings with doubt and uncertainty. YAY! for stupid brains :)

And now that I have written all of this down and am going to publish it on the Internet for all to see, I know I am going to get a few worried e-mails, calls and texts from the concerned friends who actually read this blog. What I want people to know is I am not THAT sad, and writing out what is going through my head helps oh so much. I want people to call/write/text me because they miss me or they have randomly thought of me, or have found something funny on the Internet and want to share it. Not because they think I am having a crisis (well I wouldn't mind if they contacted me if they thought if I was having a crisis it is always nice to know that people are thinking of you), but because they just want to talk.

So Smile! The world is not about to implode and I should really get back to work :)