Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Feeling lonely

So I am feeling lonely. It always seems like I am the one who always has to start conversations, or the one who has to start up the online chatting, or sending the first text message. Why can't people contact me out of the blue, or be the ones to send be message or text? I don't need super in depth philosophical debates, I just want conversations. I have this weird feeling that I have done this to myself, this isolating myself from people. I didn't mean to, but it seems to have happened anyways.

I am super good at making conversations with random strangers and making small talk, hell I am a pro at it. But I miss the people who know me. Have I become so detached from my past that I am now a stranger to people who use to know absolutely everything about me? Am I a super bad friend? Am I the one who drifted away from everyone else?

These days it seems that I have these wonderful friendships but, in fast forward and condensed. They start off wonderfully and turn amazing then fizzle out in no time at all. I have this feeling that I have become impatient with the world, I need to keep moving or it is going to implode.

I miss being content with the quiet and solitude. I use to be able to quietly read a book all day long on a weekend and not feel like I have missed out on something. I could lose myself in sorting and rewinding all of the thread spools in my sewing basket because they have become unraveled and tangled or reorganizing and sorting my book collection and not feel like I have waisted a day. I feel like I need to be out and doing things with people, but then I want to be alone and stay in my apartment because I know that I am broken and I don't want to impose my brokenness on others.  
It is days like this that I contemplate moving to a new apartment building just so I can get pet. A small furry creature that will love me unconditionally and provide companionship that I can't seem to find in people.

I am told by people that I am a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine, why can't I believe it? I know I make people smile, I can see that (I am blind but not that blind) and I love making people smile! It helps with making me content. I really want people to be happy, and my stupid brain likes to tarnish these feelings with doubt and uncertainty. YAY! for stupid brains :)

And now that I have written all of this down and am going to publish it on the Internet for all to see, I know I am going to get a few worried e-mails, calls and texts from the concerned friends who actually read this blog. What I want people to know is I am not THAT sad, and writing out what is going through my head helps oh so much. I want people to call/write/text me because they miss me or they have randomly thought of me, or have found something funny on the Internet and want to share it. Not because they think I am having a crisis (well I wouldn't mind if they contacted me if they thought if I was having a crisis it is always nice to know that people are thinking of you), but because they just want to talk.

So Smile! The world is not about to implode and I should really get back to work :)

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