Home?

Home.... it is a very interesting word and can mean multiple things and I am trying to figure out what it means for me....

Recently I was "home" in Waterloo for the holidays. But Waterloo doesn't feel like "home" anymore. It is feeling like a strange city that I have sooooo many memories of, but has somehow morphed into this new thing that is foreign and unfamiliar. There are still some places in town that haven't changed and I enjoy visiting those places when I am in town, but even those places are losing something for me.

I use to get excited about flying home to see family and friends and I still do, but returning to the home of my childhood is becoming a trial and I am getting stronger and stronger feelings of disconnect with it. I love both family and friends and in some cases never get enough time with them before I have to fly back to where ever I am living this time. You know who you are and I know you read this blog and I miss you bunches!!!!! But trying to stay in Waterloo longer than a week starts to give me feelings of being trapped and wanting to escape. That to me is not what home should feel like and I feel bad about the fact that I feel this way about Waterloo and my parent's house, as it was home to me for a long period of time. I have lived in some interesting places and returning home was always something I looked forward to despite the fact that my family drives me nutters. It was home...

My parents home no longer feels like home. Maybe it is because I have finally moved all of my stuff out and there is nothing of mine there for when I visit. I use to be able to pack a small bag and hop on a bus or plane and get home and have everything I needed at my destination. Now I have to bring half my apartment with me when I go home, like i am going on holidays. Home should not feel like you have to bring and pack things you might need just in case or that you can make do or go out and buy it if you have forgotten something. I should feel like when I visit that I belong there, it is "home" after all. But I never feel like I do anymore.

My apartment feels like home, some of my friends feel like home, but Waterloo does not.
Home is suppose to be where you feel comfortable and yourself, not like a stranger or like you are taking up space you shouldn't be. Home is where I go to just be me and not have to be "on" all the time. Where you can look like a dirt ball and not have a care in the world, or say nope not doing the dishes tonight and not feel guilty about it.

So to make a very long story short, I am happy to be "home" in Winnipeg for however long that may be...