Light is one of those fascinating things, or at least I have found it to be fascinating I can stare out a window for hours or sit on a balcony and watch the way the sun plays on different structures and items. The way it lights up a room or can illuminate a single leaf on a plant. I have always been fascinated with the way it make things look and the contrast between the light and the dark and making the mundane come alive.
Today I was struck by the way it filtered through the windows at work, you could almost see the individual rays as they streaked across the wooden desks and shelves. The individual particles of dust that floated lazily through the beams of light. I just wanted to take it all in, but sadly work called me away. I was actually caught just standing in the back hallway the other day, just standing in the sun and soaking up the light. It is funny how some people just get it that light is so very important, while others look at you like you have sprouted an extra arm or a third eye. Happily this particular person understood that sometimes you just have to take a moment and let the light wash over you. Living as far north as I do, I have found that I need the light more and more and I miss it when all is dark and cold. It makes those moments when the sun is shining that much more special and imprinted in my head, even if it is -30 outside!
Light has always been a mystery to me, no I know where it comes from and all the science behind it. The frustrating part is trying to recreate or capture a stunning moment where light makes things alive. When it is filtering thought the leaves on a summer day or the way it glints off new fallen snow causing it to sparkle like a million diamonds. The way it makes colours seem more real and almost tangible as if they have a texture. The way the colours pop with contrast of shadows and moments of brilliance.
I struggle with this when I paint. It makes me very frustrated that I cannot recreate these moments that I can so vividly remember in my head. There is always something missing! That essence that makes it pop, that makes it come alive. People keep telling me that I paint well, but I am never satisfied with any of what I do. The light never turns out the way I see it in my head, and the colours always seem flat and boring. This may be me being super critical about what painting is for me and the fact that I don't think what I do is worth anything except to me as a way to try and recreate what is in my head.
If only I could be able to get the pictures from inside my head to the canvas in a way that that can show people the way I see things. The way that a single ray of light can turn a clump of weeds into a thing of beauty full of life and colours and light.
If only I could bottle sunlight and carry it with me wherever I go. I would be the happiest person alive and things would never again appear dull and boring and lifeless. Even at my saddest moments in life, there was always a moment when the sun would come out from behind a cloud and the world would be illuminated just for a moment, a single moment where it would shine and blaze and be a moment with enough magic to make that memory forever be imprinted in my mind. But sadly those moments are few and far between and the clouds always pass in front of the sun again.
Those tiny moments that I have gathered and cherished, I would love to be able to share them. If only people could see what I see, maybe they would understand me a little better. But, sadly I have so far been unable to even recreate a pale comparison and trying to put it into words is difficult and it feels cumbersome and long winded.
And so to make another long story short: Light is AMAZING and it makes me happy and I wish people could see what I see :)